So today is the third anniversary of my radical hysterectomy. Radical, as in way cool, daddio. Okay, so maybe it was not really way cool at the time, but it was an experience, anyway.
It made me realize that I haven’t had a period in four years. July, 2004, to be exact. It was right before Jules’ 2nd birthday that we decided to have another child and on that *same* morning, we conceived. The result of a quickie before he left for work that day. I only know that for sure because we had family coming into town later that day, and they were staying with us, in our bedroom (we took the living room), for two sexless weeks; near the end of that two weeks, I peed on a fancy digital stick and got “Pregnant” as the reply.
Nine months later, I had Lore; two months after that, I had cancer. To be fair, I had cancer for most (if not all) of my pregnancy; we just didn’t know. I still can’t believe it’s been three years.
I celebrate my third Cancerfreeaversary™ tomorrow. Amazing. Two more to go and I can call myself completely cured. My check-ups are now every six months instead of every three, that makes me happy.
And life without menstrual periods? Well, that’s just fucking wonderful.
Today’s Lesson In Life™ has been brought to us by Baby Bird, the number “1″, and the letter “G”, for Gravity.
Sigh.
I knew it had to happen eventually. My “pet” mourning doves lost one of their babies today. They’re not really my pets because they live in a nest up in the rafters over my patio, butted up against the the corner of the house beneath a small area that’s sheltered by the roof. But I tend to think of them as “mine” in the sense that they essentially live in my house. Or on it. I get to watch them all the time from my living room or patio, which is nice because while I like birds, I could never own any because I refuse to cage an animal. And they’re pretty much mess-free; every round of babies that hatches (once a month or thereabouts), when they get big enough and really active in the nest they knock out droppings that need to be swept up, but it only lasts for a few days. They (all) fly away and the nest is empty for a couple of days until the parents come back to roost again.
So today I went outside to sweep the patio area around the kids’ pool because Jules wanted to swim. The leaves that fall out of the trees tend to stick to wet feet and then end up floating in the pool water because the girls step in and out of the pool often, so I try to keep the area free of debris as much as possible. I swept around the pool, and after that was done I thought I’d sweep off the rest of the patio, too. Walked around the back of their Dora The Explorer tent and saw a little, lifeless body laying on the cement.
I made the mistake of gasping loud enough for Jules to hear, and the next thing I knew she was standing next to me and looking down at the poor creature. I had just been out there not an hour before - watering my plants and putting my solar lights out in the sun to charge because some of them are in areas too shaded to get much of a charge during the day. So I knew it had happened sometime after that.
Jules actually handled it pretty well. She hugged me as she stared down at the dead baby bird. She’s had a bit of fascination with death now and again (when we caught Maurice II in the mouse trap earlier this year, for instance), and it doesn’t bother her one bit to know where the meat in her burger came from, although we’re eating a lot more vegetarian lately. My decision - not hers.
So when she asked me what happened, I told her it’s likely that the little bird accidentally fell out of the nest, or it might have been sick and the mother knocked it out herself. There was no way to know. And then I had to explain why she couldn’t keep it, and the reasons why she shouldn’t touch it. But I did let her study it for several minutes. Very much like I did with Maurice II. And when she was done, I disposed of the tiny body.
Jules and I keep glancing at the nest now and again to make sure everything is okay up there. My doves have always had two babies at a time; I can tell by the way the female is sitting in the nest that there’s still one more in it. And I know it’s probably trivial to most (they’re “just” birds in the wild, after all), but it’s still a little sad.
In other news, Jules turns six in less than a week. Six years old, geez. Kiddo’s growing up so fast. Going berserk with Hello Kitty this year. That’s her latest thing. “Mommy, I want Hello Kitty this, Hello Kitty that! Hello Kitty Hello Kitty Hello Kitty!!” So I bought her a new bedding set with Hello Kitty and strawberries all over it (she needed one, her Disney Princess set is beat all to hell now, she’s had it for two years), and I found her a matching wall clock because she’s been begging me for a Hello Kitty clock. Every time I turn around, she’s asking me for a Hello Kitty wall clock. Kiddo’s got a fascination with wall clocks.
So she’s going to have a very happy, Hello Kitty birthday.
Okay, so maybe it’s the second most fun thing ever.
I’ve always had a love for dancing, ever since I was a small girl. Never had a single lesson (my family couldn’t afford those), but I would watch television shows like Fame, Solid Gold (I *so* wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer when I grew up), and movies that featured a lot of choreographed dance. I’d mimic what I saw, and I actually picked up a lot that way. Dance always came very naturally.
In my early 20’s, I spent many a night hitting the “alternative lifestyle” clubs in Vegas - Freezone was my favorite. We’d take a cab down there around 10:00pm, and I’d spend the night on the floor dancing with anyone who’d join me. A place like that, I never had to ask for company - it just came. Before I knew it, it was 3 or 4 in the morning and the place would be nearly empty. We’d catch a cab home and sleep until noon. I never brought anyone home - it was not my intention to find someone to fuck. I only wanted to dance. (My roommate, on the other hand, was always on the prowl. We had a rule, though - we’d always go home together. If he wanted to meet up with someone after that, he would. And did. Although he had horrible taste in men.)
I haven’t gone out dancing like that since those days, but I don’t love it any less. I still dance at home, sometimes with my girls and sometimes by myself. It just feels good.
My new dance fetish? Belly dancing. It is so unbelievably fun!!! I want to do it forever. In fact, I think I might. (Yeah, picture me shaking my breasts and swaying my hips seductively at 80 years old. You know you want to.)
It’s feminine and expressive, and it physically feels *really* good. The movements come very easily (at least for me), it’s very natural. Amazing. Why had I never thought to try this before?? Just…. wow. You can do so much with it, too. It can be very slow and sensual, or spirited and wild and intense. It’s very much like sex in that respect.
I’m convinced that every woman should try it at least once. Preferably a lot more than that. There’s an element of confidence that comes with moving your body in such ways. It’s sexy, and very powerful. Exhilarating.
“She doesn’t have anything you want to steal… well, nothing you can touch.” Psychedelic Furs - Pretty In Pink
Alright. What the fuck is up with all the cigarette spam comments? Seriously. I delete at least five spam comments per day, all trying sell me cigarettes (real ch3ap!! zomg! cheapest prices 3vr lolz!!!) online. Hooray for comment moderation queues; you never have to see that shit.
It’s kind of a shame, though. If I were still a smoker, I’d probably take them up on their numerous and kind offers.
And holy shit! I’m growing green things outside!!! Actual plants, that are *actually* alive. I’m like, stunned. Who knew it was possible?! I’m the girl who managed to kill a rubber tree plant and those things thrive on neglect. That happened while I was pregnant with Jules. When I realized it was dead, I freaked out because I was terrified by the thought that I couldn’t even keep a fucking plant alive when I was about to give birth to a living, breathing child. I was a wreck that week, lemme tell you.
(Nearly six years later, she’s still alive and well, btw. Water and sunshine, baby.)
My latest pin-up did fairly well; finished fourth in the contest. In my opinion, it’s my best illustration so far. My “style” is becoming more fixed, it just needs some refinement. You can view Nyx right here. She turned out well.
Eventually (and I know I keep saying this), I will get a gallery running again. My domain has just been renewed, so that’s taken care of. I’d be heartbroken if I lost ImagiCreation.com, it’s been my domain and my “thing” for years. Even before I bought the domain, “ImagiCreation” has been alive in some form or another for about eight years. Just need to find the time to breathe some life back into it.
C had the kids all afternoon yesterday, but before she took them I had a toenail painting party with my girls in the kitchen. Lore chose cherry red for her toes, and Jules (of course) used a bit of every color I brought out: pink, red, light purple, dark purple, blue and green. Finished her toes off with some stickers on her big toes (she loves those).
I did mine, too. Blue and purple, complete with stickers. (Yes, I have sandal tan lines on my feet. Dammit. My pristine porcelain skin is ruined!)
After they were gone, I dyed my hair. Not quite as flaming red/purple as I used to go, but for a semi-permanent dye, it’ll do.
And then I started work on another pin-up, this one for a contest a Worth. I’ve got another one that’s about 1/2 done, but it’s not one I can use for the “Mythological Figures” theme that’s up right now. One day, I’m going to have a completed series of pin-ups. I’ve really been into them lately.
Sunday was pretty much all about me. It was a nice, self-indulgent day.
Every little piece of your life will add up to one;
Every little piece of your life will mean something to someone.
I don’t let many people get close to me. Now, that might sound strange given the fact that I blog out in public for all the world to see. Hello there, world. I share pieces of myself openly in the forums at Worth1000 (and on extremely rare occasions, admin chat), whatever I put “out there” is always 100% raw and real. And quite a few people probably think they know me fairly well; those who’ve been around a while likely do… what you see when you look at me is what you get and I hide nothing. Well… almost nothing. I hide very little.
Nobody needs to know about how I love to wrap my naked body in tinfoil and belt out tunes from The Wizard of Oz while I masturbate to gay midget porn using Crisco and a pair of cooking tongs. So I keep that stuff hidden. You know how it is.
Lately though, I feel somewhat out of the loop in the forums at Worth. Not that I mind this. I don’t care who’s fucking who and quite frankly I’m tired of hearing about it. The best secrets are the ones that no one knows about. However, all the games and gossip and chatter make me realize that I don’t actually have many close relationships with anyone there, when it seems to me that so many others do. Why do I keep people at arm’s length? People I socialize with at Worth, to me, are just social acquaintances sharing a public forum. Some I like more than others; some I ignore as much as possible. The admin staff I’m much closer with obviously - we’re a team and I consider them all friends - but there’s only one of them I can honestly say truly knows me in a way that few people ever do.
I generally don’t let anyone get very close and I don’t fully understand why. Someone jokingly mentioned once that I was intimidating and I laughed it off. Didn’t give it a second thought until someone else said it as well, and in all seriousness. Am I really? I don’t know. I never thought I put out that kind of vibe, but maybe I do without realizing it.
This is all a very recent observation and I’m still trying to figure it out.
Or maybe it is and I’m just oblivious to the fact. I don’t really fucking care either way but I’m constantly getting picked on about it lately.
stellastarr* -My Coco
(Love this song. If you like post punk/indie rock, you will too.)
Yeah, I have a real soft spot in my heart for all things new wave/post punk. I love that sound. I love new groups that are reminiscent of the music I grew up listening to: The Cure, Psychedelic Furs, The Smiths, Talking Heads, The Clash, Echo and the Bunnymen. That shit is classic and it’s never going to go out of style.
There are some awesome groups out there that have been influenced heavily by those artists - Editors, stellastarr*, Pulp and The Killers come to mind. So I listen to them a lot. Which means my kids listen to them a lot. We get in my car, they request them. They don’t ask me to play The Wiggles, or Winnie The Pooh. They’ll ask me for “Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors” by Editors, or “Tranquilize” by The Killers. Lore loves stellastarr* as much as I do. And they sing along! Do you know how fucking awesome that is?!
My kids are rocking out to this stuff and I think it’s great. I love it. Absolutely love it.
I’ve decided that from now on, I’ll start off my blog posts with music video goodness. Don’t ask me why, it sounded like a good idea when it was in my head just a short while ago.
The lead singer almost seems uncomfortable filming the video. Maybe “self conscious” is a better term. It’s like she’s overly aware of the filming and the fact that she’s lip-syncing to her own song and the whole thing is very weird for her. I imagine I’d behave the same way if I were in that position.
On a side note, it’s a reminder of how much I really miss wearing that hair color. Dammit. Sometimes I contemplate going that red again, even though it means permanent dye. Sigh. Maybe I’ll just have to give in and do it instead of sitting here considering it and thinking about it and remembering how great it was. There’s something about wearing a color that vibrant, I don’t really know how to explain it. There’s a certain feeling that comes with standing out in such a way. A color that bold is empowering somehow, I guess. I miss feeling like I stand out when I’m in a crowd of people. Selfish, I know. I don’t care. I cherish my individuality. I find it a comfort in spite of knowing that I’m really nothing more than just another average person walking the earth.
I know I’ve been a bit of a lazy blogger recently. So I’ll make this the giant catch-all, catch-up post on what my life has been like lately.
Went and saw Kate Nash perform at the Fillmore in San Francisco last month. Awesome show. She’s still relatively new, but I love her stuff and she’s got a great stage presence. Think London/Indie music scene. Little Red is one of my favorite songs, second only to Mariella (links go to youtube). But her whole Made of Bricks album is really great, you should give it a listen.
My big project for the back yard has finally come to fruition!!! I attempted to grow grass in the sad lot that (was) my back yard. My grass failed miserably. I was warned that it would, given that this part of town used to be orchards (chemicals and insecticides are still in the ground so plants don’t grow very easily here). And so it was. Patchy and full of weeds. Pulled the weeds, which left the “lawn” even patchier. And then with the change in weather recently, the grass that was there was dying. Fucking great. Dust O’ Plenty this summer, surely. Fucking wonderful because I love dust and dry dirt in all the windows! I love it when my kids go outside to play and five minutes later they come back inside the house, covered in a layer of dust. Fuck fuck fuck.
But wait.
I came upon a brilliant plan to fill it all with bark mulch. After all, the kids’ play stuff takes up most of the yard, anyway. Plus there are beds along the walkway and patio that I’ve been wanting to take care of for a while. Thirty-five bags of bark mulch, two rolls of weed blocker and six hours later, I had it all finished. Yes, myself. It’s beautiful!! Really clean, and dust free.
I have wind chimes. Decorative pots of dirt where colorful flowers should be sprouting any day now. Colorful solar lights that line the walkway/patio. I’m currently searching out interesting lanterns to hang from the rafters over the patio. It’s all coming together now. The whole thing is just lovely, it really is.
I love shit that lights up. It’s a weakness of mine.
And lastly, I think I may be *slightly* addicted to Wendy’s root beer floats, lactose intolerance be damned.
If you’ve never listened to Feist, you really, really should. She stands so far out from the cookie-cutter mold most current musicians seem to have dropped out of. It’s an understatement to say that I adore her.
So, you know, if you were fretting about not having anything to do at this particular moment in time, fret no more. I’ve gone and gathered a few of my faves for you to check out.
First off, allow me to indulge you in my own personal anthem. It really, truly is:
I’m gonna do some in the blog, I think. I’ve got links in the side bar to places that I no longer visit, and damned if I know whether all of them even still work. There are places I often go that aren’t listed there and really should be. I think I’m going to make a separate section dedicated to my favorite bands, too. Maybe update my pages a bit. Just… stuff. Stuff, stuff, stuff.
Stay tuned.
(I know. You’re like on the edge of your seat right now, ain’t ya?)
Listen: be be your love - rachael yamagata (I adore her) Feel: stirred Indulge: chai latte, hot
I really need to get my butt in gear and start working on a gallery. ImagiCreation.com is just sitting there collecting dust with the same splash page that’s been up since I was diagnosed with cancer. Yeah - it’s been THAT long. I took it down with the intention of reconstructing the site, but between home stuff and kid stuff and moves and everything else… well, nothing fruitful ever came of that great plan. It got pulled off the back burner a long time ago, and the pot has been resting on the counter ever since - its contents growing mold and becoming petrified before my very eyes. It’s like some kind of horrible science experiment now.
I have a ton of stuff - photoshop work and illustration, although lately I’ve been focusing solely on digital illustration. It’s amazing when I look back at some of the crap I made when I first started getting used to the wacom tablet.
I avoided it for a long time. Tried the thing out (halfheartedly, I admit), and snubbed it entirely because for me, it was like learning to draw all over again. I was comfortable with pencil on paper (or pastel, or paint on canvas), so I naturally rejected the idea of learning anything new.
Sometime along the way though, it dawned on me that if I ever really wanted to improve as an “artist”, I was going to have to put in the actual work to achieve that goal. Never did that before. It was always just something I kinda played around with a little bit but never really put that much effort into. Honestly, I don’t think I was ever inspired enough to. But for whatever reason, I am now.
I’m slightly astounded at the progress I’ve made over the last few months. I’m no master (far, far from it), but I’m doing things I never thought I’d have the ability to. I think I’m beginning to develop a noticeable style. It’s incredible. And it’s inspiring.
Because of a recent contest at Worth1000, I’ve got a bunch of ideas for a series of fantasy pin-ups I want to work on. It also inspired me to create what I think is probably my best illustration yet. (Minus the copyright watermark going across it, of course.)
Listen: tai shan - rush Feel: meh Indulge: chai latte
I think it’s starting a little early this year. I can feel it coming on already. At first I thought it was hormones, but this goes deeper than that.
If I seem a little edgy/irritated/melancholy or just not-quite-like-myself over the next few weeks, keep in mind that my birthday is nearing.
And no, it’s not that I have a fear of “getting old” or losing what little hotness I possess… I’m not actually sure what brings it on. I only know that every year, around this time, I get into a birthday funk of *meh*ness.
You have been warned.
In the meantime, I’m trying to occupy myself with an entry for the latest illustration contest at Worth1000 (Pin-ups in Space!). I half-heartedly started on the background. We’ll see how it goes.
